Chronicles of a Young College Boy

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Woo hoo !!...i went to tkd tournament today and took part in 3 competitions...forms..breakings and sparring....and i got first place for the first 2 but second on the sparring...well the sparring doesnt really count cos theres only 2 competitors in my division...so tht don count..but the breaking and forms i got first man...hehehe...so cool walking arnd wif 2 big trophies in my hands..but there r some serious martial arts shown in the tournament man..i saw a black belt break 3 boards in one jump....back flip and break a board in the air....break a board wif 540 degrees roundhouse..(for those of u who don noe wad a 540 round house is...check google mayb they show u..its damn cool)...

i just watched my family home video...taken abt a year ago..for some reason it feels like so looong time ago man...all just because of a different lifestyle...i remember it was at abt 340pm in my first evening here tht it suddenly really full blow struck me of the fact tht im actually going to college...and for the first time in my life im alone...literally..theres no one i can seriously hang out wif...no one to eat wif in the cafetaria wif etc etc...its hard...seriously..but for some reason even now when i already hav quite a number of friends compared to abt 2 months ago...i still tend to compare here and spore for some reason...i keep saying 'oh however close they might b...they can nv b like my sporean friends.'...its bad thinking..very bad thinking...its probably the reason y i cant get closer to them...bcos i keep comparing between the 2...and bcos of the comparison...even when they get close...my mind will unconsciously push them away...saying 'no they shldnt b this close'....its nuts sometimes...like i want to hav close friends..but for some reason when they do get closer i unconsciously push them away...

one of the reasons y i seem to hav difficulty mixing wif friends here is tht i seem to take making friends as some sort of a chore...wilson is the one who smacked tht on me abt 2 weeks ago...and he also said tht its either im not making an effort or they don like me tht cause my alienation....it mayb a little harsh...but its somewad true tht i may not be making enuff effort...but i also don want to make making friends as some sort of a chore...cos ppl can immediately see tht im not sincere and stuffs like tht...i hav no idea how to balance it...i seem to miss the andrew matthews book manual on making friends...but then again it will seem as some sort of a chore..i want it to b something natural, u noe...like i can tok normally to them without feeling tht i hav to noe more abt them so tht i can get into his or her social circle or something...sometimes i thought it mayb the unconscious and conscious part of the mind..like when u r unconscious of the fact tht u want to make friends..u actually naturally click wif them...but when u r consciously making effort to make friends..then theres some kind of feeling tht the other party sense it...and its not really good...am i making any sense here???..wahaha,..i tend to do tht here for some reason...i realise im getting the american accent in my speech already...but its somekind of switch thts only turned on when im toking to a person wif american accent...but if im talking wif lets say my indonesian or malaysian or sporean friends...the accent switch is turned off...automatic kind of thing...but its better la...(there u go..i hav not lost the ultimate 'la' havent i..)...anyway its better cos if i come back wif an american accent..for some reason if i may seem like a different person...yea go figure...its natural law..wahaha...

i got into some other ppls' blog last week...and for some reason seeing how ppl are in real life is different from mayb when they r alone...writing a blog entry for example...i was just switching channels last week when i got into one movie(u don want to noe wad movie it is...its so freakin cheesy)...but i got one good quote right when i switch to it...the guy says 'Why r u leading 2 separate lives when u can lead one fulfilling one?'...for some reason tht got me thinking...like the famous (old fashion) qst of "who am i?"...don tell me ur name...ur characters wadever,..but i myself don noe wad categories does the answer come under...don noe la...i myself also tend to think and reflect a lot at times (did u notice?...wahahaha)....most of the times i will just recall memories...its like some kind of archives from my mind...movie archives...then i just take out one episode and play it...sometimes i can derive some kind of lesson from it...or just watch it for fun...sometimes if i miss those times..i will look at the photos...ppl may think tht by looking at photos it will make things worst..but it actually makes things better...like for example when im leaving for US...from dunno when i already set my mind...i don want any of my friends to come when i leave the for US...but then for some reason at tht time when im leaving...i actually appreciate them a lot for being there for me...really...tht morning when i packed my last minute stuff...my heart is like at quite a low point...and the only thing thts keeping it from going lower and to the point where i cant handle it anymore is the fact tht im going to see my family and friends again b4 i leave...its tht supportive feeling tht helped me through..like feeling tht theres will always be someone for me to fall back on when the challenge ahead seems too daunting...trust me u don noe how much i appreciate tht feeling...

Hav u ever had a time when u r completely alone..?..i mean as in literally..no one is arnd u...no distraction wadsoever...and u r just concentrating on one thing?...its amazing how peaceful it can b...now at the moment its 1 am and i only hav one light on...im alone in the room wif my laptop...its really very peaceful...to help mayb u can listen to soft music...its like theres this feeling no one in the world can bother me...i kinda hav been doing tht for some time...usually its just me and the laptop or me and a storybook....seriously peaceful man...give it a shot some time and enjoy the peace and tranquility....=)

DanieL counted snowflakes at 9:35 PM